new year

hi,
don't you dare miss last year.

i'm tired and i'm tired and tired and you didn't expect this.

if you survived, please:
- make things. you started experimenting with ps a while ago (more than a month. it took less than two weeks for the interest to fade.) or maybe take up composing. don't be lazy to dream (is this being lazy? i'm so tired or am i? im tired). please dream 5 minutes a day. you can have blissful spacing out time on the bus instead. feel free to cry yourself to sleep. i hope you don't cry yourself awake. was it worth surviving after all (it already is! im doing this out of love. and you know what? i haven't felt stomachache because of sadness in a very long time, i haven't felt anything in such a long time, you know what? i miss and i miss and i miss and i dreamt warmth and light and home and i forced myself back to sleep to chase the feeling and it slipped through my callous fingers, not ever hurting anymore, and here i am, in bed more than 12 hours a day because i keep missing )
ghosts and all
you should be ashamed.
but isn't it funny how every scattered note of that period has this in common. how you were in love with her all that time. even now inside your head - it wasn't love. because there's no such thing. there's care, fondness and - maybe because you were young, maybe because it was the first time - cosmic connection. maybe because you were easy to impress. i'm happy i got to experience that. a once-in-a-lifetime connection. i still do.
no wonder everything's askew. no fucking wonder. fleeting feelings and nothing more.
nothing less.

- drink water and exercise. although if you've lived up to this point in your life, you probably already do. keep your brain moisturised. i feel how it's dying because i don't have the energy to get up and pee.

- take time to catch up with your loved ones and show them they are loved. don't forget and don't tell yourself you're not in the mood. little things are good too. don't postpone answering till forever. (if this is being adult i don't want it, a song by ken hirai started playing and i havent heard this one in forever, or is this nostalgy lying to my face again and i almost never broke down because of it?) but the good thing about being depressed and the shitty memory is that i could schedule this letter for next week and remember nothing of it like i literally didn't remember that i had already written to myself in november.

wanted to write "start your day with a happy thought and think about your being actually happy a lot" but im always living in the balance between feeling nothing or being afraid to jinx the ghost of stability and mundane happiness so maybe dont, just like dont romanticize wanting to die. at first force yourself to socialize, exercise, create, routinize it and then there'll be no forcing needed.

if you are still here. not that im planning anything now (if only) but who knows, right
i just hope everyone is doing well and you're less of a burden. i hope you haven't been waiting for the holidays just as desperately (read: the place and time to get away from everything surrounding me now, read: passively waiting for minutes to pass, day into week into month)
and maybe it's for the better that some of these got lost (esp. the one where i talked about in the flesh) (or did i get it and deleted immediately bc i kinda recall reading abt total eclipse?). i almost deleted the two i received for my birthdays (18th and 19th, who could ever imagine). erasing the past. funny with the failing memory. like you're never a person. no memories no personality no interests. made up and changing. "missing you" by btob gets me every time. no wonder. i live like this and i'm used to it. week into month into years.

i should congratulate you. congrats.
congrats

today is 16.12.17 and i struggle to believe this day will ever end. this endless day is gonna be taken to january to march and ive been carrying it around since autumn 2015, gosh, golly. it's still there isn't it.